when i smoke weed i have the worst panic attacks of my life.
i've been reading on the internet that people with anxiety disorders sometimes have panic attacks because the weed takes away your
inhibitions, all the
things your body is doing to keep you
under control. my body is doing so many things to
keep me under control.
tachycardia is when your heart goes really really really fast.
your body makes your heart go really really really fast when your brain
needs extra blood so it can
worry about every single possible way that you might die in the next 30 seconds.
your brain is so efficient that you don't even REALIZE that you are afraid of dying,
in fact your brain is so efficient that sometimes you can sit in your bed having a panic attack
because you're afraid of dying and at the same time, be wishing you were dead!
at a certain point, when your body panics frequently, it starts to be the same thing: your own heartbeat and your own death. and then you can't figure out if the prospect of death prompts your heart or if your heart prompts the prospect of death.
so when weed makes my heart go drumrolling it starts to feel the same as dying because of how my heart only beats faster for the things that might kill me.
Sophia Cannizzaro is still just a kid wandering between worlds. Nowadays they live mostly in New York with their cat, Marmalade, who is helping them pass their classes at Columbia University. They love making art that is simultaneously beautiful and awful in many senses of both words. You can find them on Instagram @sophia.luci.cannizzaro and on the internet at sophiacannizzaropoetry.wordpress.com.